My Sexual Assault Story
I am going to find this post particularly hard to write. There are only a few people in my life that are aware of what happened to me.
I decided that now I have a good social media audience, now might be a good time to share my story and hopefully some people may relate or take comfort in my recovery.
I had just turned sixteen and was what you would probably call a wild child. I was bullied to the highest degree all the way through school so as soon as I left and got away from it all I was like a caged animal being released for the first time. I was drinking excessively almost every night. Just roaming the streets with a few friends.
One night my friend asked me to go with her to pick up her boyfriend, he was around the corner at a party. When we got to the house everyone was wasted. I was too, I didn’t notice this much at the time. I was so drunk in fact I had wet myself. Yeah, I really was that drunk. There was a girl staying there and she said she would give me a clean pair of trousers.
I made my way to the bathroom to get myself cleaned up. For the life of me I couldn’t undo the buttons on my trousers. An easy task when your sober but not so much when you’re as wasted as I was. I tried and tried but was just stumbling about and the room kept on spinning.
I went out to the hallway where a few men were standing chatting away. One of them asked me if I was okay. I am not sure if I made any sense but tried to tell him I needed help with my buttons, very kindly he offered to help.
Once back in the bathroom he done as he had said and undone the buttons. Finally, I could get out these wet trousers. I motioned him to leave the room. He didn’t seem to take the hint and instead started to undo his buttons as well. I was confused, what was he doing?
The room was spinning and my vision was blurred, I couldn’t even say what the guy looked like all I remember was that he was a lot larger than me and wearing a cap. It was all a bit surreal. Next thing I knew he had pushed me down to my knees and shoved his cock into my mouth. He was thrusting hard and I had started to gag. The room spinning faster and faster around me. Before I knew what was going on he grabbed me back to my feet.
I thought it was over, maybe he had his fun now and would go and leave me alone. He had other plans, he tried to get me to lay down on the floor but I started to struggle. I remember my head hit of the bathroom sink, it was a big knock to the back of my head. It must have caused me to pass out, as when I came too my trousers and underwear were off and he was on top of me and Inside me. I struggled to remember where I was and what was going on. He was so heavy, way bigger than me. My vision was blurred and I could hear the loud music from the party and noise of people singing and banging about.
He was panting heavily, making a lot of sexual noises. It was like I was paralysed. I tried to move but nothing seemed to happen. I realized later he had a hold of my wrists. He kept saying “you like that don’t you” I didn’t say a word I just closed my eyes and wished it was over.
It was like I had stopped trying to fight him, I just didn’t have to strength to do anything about the situation. It must have only been a few minutes but it felt like an eternity. My friend knocked on the bathroom door and shouted to see if I was okay. Finally, someone was coming to my rescue.
I opened my mouth to shout out to her but it was like the words just didn’t want to come out. She didn’t wait very long and when she didn’t get a reply straight away she shouted that she was going to go to the park and would meet me there. I tried again to shout out. I now know the reason I couldn’t speak was that I was so intoxicated, and the bang on the head had me slipping in and out of consciousness. I later found out she was banging on the door for a few minutes and thought I was just ignoring her.
Finally, when he was done with me, he got up and left the bathroom closing the door behind him. I just lay there on the floor. Looking up at the light on the ceiling trying to collect my thoughts, trying to understand what just happened. After a few minutes I managed to sit up. I grabbed my trousers and struggled to put them on.
I just wanted to get out of there, what if he came back. Somehow, I got myself dressed and managed to get out of the bathroom. I stumbled to the front door. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. As I got out the front gate I heard the front door opening. A voice shouted to me “hey what age are you” I knew it was him as I recognised his voice. I shouted back sixteen. I don’t have any idea why I even told him, maybe I just didn’t want him to follow me. I heard him say “That’s okay then”
That’s okay then? What the hell was he talking about, what difference did my age make. I was starting to sober up and the reality of what had just happened hit me, And I started to cry. I didn’t want to go home to my parents. What would they think of the state I was in?
The best thing I could do was go to my friend. I don’t know how I managed it but I got to the park. When I got there, she came running across. She started asking me what had happened. I didn’t know it but I was bleeding rather heavily from my vagina and it had soaked through my jeans. My top had been torn open and I had scratches on my chest. She asked me who done this to me. I couldn’t tell her, not because I didn’t want to but because I didn’t know. I had no clue who the guy was.
A few of my friends where there so they helped me to sit down. They told me I needed to get the police and tell them all about what happened. I just wanted to go home and have a wash. Still to this day I don’t know how I got home. I just remember being in the shower. I felt so dirty and used. I just wanted to wash away his smell. The thought of his hands all over me made me feel sick. I didn’t want to get out the hot water washing everything away was a comfort. I had turned the shower heat up almost to the point of being burnt. I didn’t care the hotter the better. My skin could have melted off and I would have been happy with that. I don’t think I have ever felt so dirty.
I never did go to the police, something I deeply regret to this day. I had talked myself into thinking they wouldn’t believe me. I was drunk and they would think I was just a little slut. Plus, I didn’t even know who he was. I didn’t really remember much about what went on, just bits and pieces from here and there. I felt so ashamed, why hadn’t I bit his cock off when it was in my mouth? I could have. Why didn’t I try to struggle more? Shout out to my friend. No there was just too much shame to report it.
I spoke to my friend about it, she was a little older than me and begged me to tell someone. I explained to her how I was feeling, that I just wanted to forget the whole thing. As if I would ever be able to do that.
By the time I was fully able to process the whole thing and thought it was a good idea to speak up it was too late or at least I thought it was. The evidence was long gone. All the scratches and bruises on my wrist had cleared up, I had washed away everything with my now obsessive hot showers. I had spent the last few weeks washing it all away. No, it was too late. I had to accept that he was never going to pay for what he put me through. I didn’t even tell any of my family what had happened. I felt they too would judge me as a stupid little drunk girl, maybe that I was asking for it.
Even to this day I must live with it, knowing what he done to me. I worry that maybe he has done it to somebody else. If he had I wouldn’t forgive myself for not speaking up. If I could only turn back time and be stronger.
I think everyone has this idea that you can stop it from happening, that you are always going to be able to struggle free or scream and yell NO! I hadn’t said no, I couldn’t I was frozen in time. I was paralysed by the situation. People need to realise that it’s not always that straight forward. Everyone handles rape in a different way. I wasn’t dressed in a provocative way like a lot of people would think. Pair of urinated jeans and a boy’s T-shirt isn’t provocative.
I guess at the time I was just as bad, I would tell myself it wasn’t rape because I hadn’t said no. It’s only now I realise that rape is not just when you say no. It’s when you have not given consent. I hadn’t given my consent and nor was I in any fit state to do so. I was used and abused against my will. I have always had the fear that if I did speak up no one would believe me. It was his word against mine. With no evidence what could anyone do. I would encourage anyone who may experience something similar, even if you don’t want to go to the police at least get yourself to the hospital. The evidence that they can put on file could really help if you ever change your mind.
I encourage anyone who has been through this to have a voice. Speak up for yourself. Don’t worry about the evidence or if you have enough of it. That’s for the police to sort out not you. If you haven’t given your consent then it’s rape plain and simple. Don’t convince yourself it’s not.
It will never go away and you will never forget. It’s always going to be there. It’s not something you can just brush to one side and put down as a distant memory. I can still vividly recall exactly what I went through. The feelings, even his smell.
What I can tell you is that not all men are like that. I have been able to go on and find a man who loves me and respects me. Just as it should be. I have a great marriage and four beautiful children. Yes, I still remember from time to time. It’s never completely gone but it doesn’t plague me anymore. I didn’t allow it to shape me. I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction.
Please anyone who has went through this reach out to your friends and family. Don’t keep it to yourself. It’s important you speak about it, as it helps with the healing process. Don’t let him get away with what he has done to you. It is never okay for someone to use you in this way no matter what the situation is. No consent is no consent.
Over the years I have been able to accept what happened, I have been able to validate my feelings. Reassure myself that it wasn’t my fault. That I didn’t deserve such horrible treatment. You too can learn to live with it and it’s not always going to be so hard to cope with. There are so many support groups and forums for people who have been through the same thing.
Having reached out too many of these charities and supports groups I was surprised at just how many people have had the same experience as me. It’s made me feel less alone to know others understand.
If you don’t feel comfortable talking to people who are close to you then these charities can be your life line, giving you a safe place to talk and share with others how you feel.
Here is a list of people will be able to help.
Sexual abuse – support for all
The survivors Trust
Living with the consequences of rape and sexual abuse can be devastating. At TST, we believe that all survivors are entitled to receive the best possible response to their needs whether or not they choose to report.
As an independent charity, we work towards a world where people affected by crime or traumatic events get the support they need and the respect they deserve. We help people feel safer and find the strength to move beyond crime. Our support is free, confidential and tailored to your needs.
Telephone counselling for survivors of sexual abuse and those supporting survivors. Also offers face-to-face counselling and art therapy groups in West Sussex.
One in four
Advocacy service, counselling service (available over skype and in several languages) and information for people who have experienced sexual abuse.
The Lantern Project
Help and support for survivors of sexual abuse. Information library on website, and survivors’ online forum.
The Survivors Trust
UK network of support organisations for survivors of rape, sexual violence and childhood sexual abuse. Offers extensive information resources plus details of your local specialist support.
Sexual abuse – support for women
CIS’ters (Childhood Incest Survivors)
Provides help and support for adult women who suffered incest as a child. Organises workshops and conferences to raise awareness on the issues surrounding incest, particularly mental distress.
Rape Crisis (England and Wales)
Lists local organisations throughout England and Wales with contact details, services offered and opening times. Services are available to women who have been sexually abused at any time in their lives.
Sexual abuse – support for men
Provides one-to-one counselling, therapeutic groups and couple counselling to men (age 18+) who have experienced sexual abuse at any time in their lives.
020 3598 3898
Opening hours: Mon to Fri: 10.30am to 9pm, Sat to Sun: 10am to 6pm. Support for men who have been raped or sexually abused. Also provides webchat, face-to-face counselling and support groups in the London area.
I really hope this article can help a lot of people who have been in a similar situation to myself, you are not alone. I wish you all the love in the world and really hope that you can get the help and support that you deserve. I have written this article about my sexual assault experience and I am aware this is talking about how men can sexually abuse women. I understand that it can be the other way around. I would give anyone the same advice regardless of their gender.