Low self esteem and fear of photography
All my life I have never felt sexy or beautiful and have always had a fear of cameras, well unless I am the one operating it. I hate when people say, “right get in the photograph”. I have suffered my whole life with self-confidence issues and seeing myself in photographs never helps with this.
Every partner I have been with has asked me to send them sexy photographs and the answer is always no. Not because I have a problem with sending them but because I know I am going to look horrible. I don’t think I can pull off sexy and I didn’t plan on trying.
As I am a sex blogger the offer to have boudoir photos taken has come up a few times luckily none of them have come to fruition, but I am terrified. I get told all the time that I have a great body, how I have been blessed with an hour glass figure and should totally show it off.
I won’t lie I love looking at other people’s boudoir photos and always think women look amazing in them. I even wish I had the balls to do it. Especially now that I have been married for 12 years and know my husband would love it. He has even tried taking the pictures himself at home.
I just think the disgusting cellulite on my legs is not something anyone would want to see let alone the photographer themselves. I see the sexy women that photographers have in their studios and am blown away at how amazing they look. Then there would be me walking in and they would be like “can I help you are you lost” hehe.
What’s so strange about this is I am all for women embracing what they have. I believe that women look sexy no matter what shape or size they are. It seems when it comes to myself this goes out the window.
I am always telling my daughters that what they see in the media is not real and that these celebrities have a team around them to make them look awesome before the photos are taken. I want them to love their bodies and who they are in every way and try my best to make sure they know they are beautiful no matter what.
Yet I must confess that I think with all the makeup and talented photographers in the world I couldn’t look that good. You could say well you never know because you haven’t ever tried. I would have to agree with you. But even if I did make an appointment and go get a boudoir photoshoot done, I’m not exactly photogenic.
I worry that I take the bull by the horns and go for it and regret that I ever gave it a try, what if the photos are horrible? It’s the photographer’s job to put you at ease and tell you that your looking fabulous and I would always think they were just saying that because they had too.
You see my whole life I have never felt beautiful and defiantly never sexy. My parents would always make comments about how my older sister was the pretty one. It even became a joke with me and my brother and he was say “Yeah we are the ugly ducklings”
Every boyfriend I got my mother would ask what such a nice-looking guy was doing with someone like me. It’s all I have known since I was a little girl. My mother would always compare me to other girls and tell me I wasn’t pretty like them, that I was plain. She would say you can’t do ballet you haven’t got the build for it, you’re too broad and your necks not long enough. You can’t wear that it doesn’t suit you, your boobs are too big for that dress you look like a tart.
Every time I put a photo on Facebook she would say don’t you think you look like a desperate housewife in that photo you should take it down. I would tell her other women put photos like that on their Facebook and she would tell me that was different because the where pretty.
I didn’t even have a photographer at my own wedding. My husband always says he hates the fact that even on my own wedding day I didn’t feel pretty. I remember walking down the stairs all dressed up and my parents were too busy rushing around that they didn’t even say I looked nice. The very next year my sister got married and when she came down the stairs they both cried and said she had never looked so amazing.
I look at photographs like the ones above and long to be able to give my husband something like this. To feel sexy for him and for myself. How exactly will I ever be able to do that?
I would love to feel this sexy and confident for a day, unfortunately I feel that all the times I have been put down by the people who are meant to love and support me the most have tainted this for me. If my own mother doesn’t think I’m pretty, then I guess that’s saying something right?
It’s got to the point where it doesn’t matter how many people say I’m sexy or pretty I never believe them. Do I think society plays a role in this? Well sure, being a sex blogger doesn’t help much either seeing all these sexy women in lingerie all over social media and all looking the bomb. However, I am aware that a lot of my anxieties and hang ups come directly from my own low self-esteem.
One of the big things I want to achieve through doing my blogs is empowering other women, so I feel a bit of a fake sometimes knowing I don’t even like to look in the mirror at myself.
I hope that maybe one day someone can make me feel comfortable enough to get this type of photo done. That they can make me feel sexy for a day, after all is it not every woman’s dream to feel pretty or sexy at least once in their lives?
I understand this can be a real problem for women and know how hard it can be to live with, I always make a point of saying how good other women look and try to encourage them to express themselves. I will continue this for my whole life in the hope that I can make them feel good about themselves and love themselves the way all women should.
I hope anyone reading this article knows that no matter what they think of themselves they are beautiful and that they don’t let others bring them down the way I have been my whole life. If you have a daughter always let her know that she’s beautiful. Like your friend’s photos and tell them how good they look. After all you never know what they are thinking about themselves and this could really make their day.
Thank you for reading