Sexual Fantasies of Rape and Forceful sex.

 

Rape


Sexual fantasies of rape and forceful sex


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I have read a few articles lately all relating to people’s sexual fantasies and their origins. It turns out that the research that has been can carried out suggests that most people’s fantasies arise from their first sexual experiences, but is this true?

For me I can’t say my fantasy relates to my first sexual experiences at all. My first few times where very vanilla and in no way shape or form is this the case for my deepest darkest fantasy. However, my husband’s fantasies all revolve around other people being involved, threesomes, watching me be fucked by another man. His first experience was in a cinema. Now I can see the connection there. He was around others the first time. So yeah for him this theory could be true.

Okay so I’m just going to rip the band aid off here and go for it, my fantasy is to be gang raped. Now I don’t want this to ever happen to me. I have no intentions in trying to set this up or really experience it. All the same it plaques me. I don’t want this to be the fantasy that I have. I would take a threesome over this any day. It makes me feel weird and abnormal like in some way I am condoning rape. Let me assure you this is not the case far from it.

If you have read my blog Diary of a rape victim  you will know I have had a personal experience with sexual assault and it was not something I would wish or condone on anyone man, woman or child. It was one of the worst experiences in my life. One in which I will never truly recover from.

So, could it be that maybe our fantasies are born from our first experiences unless we have something traumatic occur? maybe my fantasy was something else until I was raped. Well for this to be the case I would have to have another fantasy before this one, right? Well I can’t think of one. Maybe I hadn’t developed one before that, after all I was only 16 when I was the subject of sexual assault. So maybe they mean in your first year of sexual exploration.

Obviously, there is a lot more research needed on this topic. I have tried hard over the years to develop another fantasy but this one keeps coming back to haunt me. If you have ever been sexually assaulted, you will understand why this makes me feel so ashamed. I hate that I get turned on at the prospect.

My fantasy is all about loss of control, or is it? I will explain that a little later. to set the scene I am in an abandoned warehouse in the middle of nowhere. I am tied to metal chair, gagged and blindfolded then 4 or 5 men enter and close the big heavy metal door behind them. Then they all begin to take turns playing about with me, until they are all in me or touching me in some way or another at the same time.

I never shared this dark fantasy with anyone keeping it locked somewhere deep within my head. It was only really once I was a lot older that I could really explore what my fantasy was and why I was having it. I think I now realise that I shouldn’t be ashamed. I know that it’s just a fantasy and nothing more. Possibly stemming from my sexual abuse.

I know that it’s me who is in control of this fantasy, I am not cold, scared or hurt in anyway. The men are gentle with me. I am also basically consenting to it. I am not forced. I am sexually heightened and very turned on. All of which I would not be in a real situation.

It amazes me how the brain works. How someone like me who has been through such a traumatic event can feel turned on at a fantasy which is related to my experience in some way. So, I really wanted to know did other rape victims have a similar fantasy to mine?

This was not going to be easy data to collect. If I was so ashamed of the way I was feeling, and I kept it so private why would others feel any different?

During my research I came across an article written by David J. Ley who is a clinical phycologist. He has written an article on how women who have been subject to sexual assault go on to be tormented by tremendous psychological turmoil over sexual fantasies of rape and forceful sex.  If you like you can read this HERE.

To my surprise he speaks about how he has worked with women like myself who feel the same shame and confusion over their fantasy. How it is a completely natural response. After reading his article I suddenly felt better less disgusted in myself.

I wanted to write this article and tell everyone about it. Express what I felt a lot of other people may not actually be able to do for themselves. If this is such a common thing, then why should we have to hang our heads in shame and keep our desires locked away in some vault? I want others to feel empowered by my confession as much as I was by David J. Leys article. To have the sense that you are not alone in this and are not strange or different and definitely not sick in the head.

For the first time in my life I have been able to accept it for what it is. I have removed the shame surrounding it as I now know why it’s a fantasy of mine and so many other women who have experienced sexual abuse in their lives. I also want to add that David does say that this fantasy can be completely independent from any sexually traumatic events and that it could all be down to just the way our brains are programmed.

I guess what I am trying to say is that we have no control over our sexual fantasies. We could spend the rest of our lives trying to figure out why we fantasise about the things we do, but in the end, I think we all just need to accept that they are what they are “fantasies”.

To quote David J. Leys and bring you back to my earlier statement of whether my fantasy was about loss of control” I don’t believe that women in general, or sexual assault victims specifically, are retraumatizing themselves by revisiting these experiences and fantasies. For many, I believe that, like any fantasy or daydream, it is a way for a person to mentally assert control over a situation in which they were powerless”

I hope that this article can reach not only people with a similar sexual fantasy to mine but also to those who may not be aware that such fantasies exist. If a greater number of people can understand the complexities of such a traumatic fantasy, then maybe just maybe we can all be a little less judgmental of ourselves and others.

Thanks for reading

 

 

I am not an expert, always seek professional help where applicable. The opinions on this post are my own, this post has been written from my personal experience or knowledge. I do not take any responsibility if my advice or the products I recommend don’t work for you. Everyone is different therefore it is impossible for me to know if the product or advice I give will suit your needs. These are just my personal experiences and accounts, and are intended to be used only as a reference.

 

  1 comment for “Sexual Fantasies of Rape and Forceful sex.

  1. October 25, 2017 at 12:25 pm

    I know many people have rape fantasies without having been raped or any other trauma. I have had rape fantasies myself, and never been assaulted in that way. I can understand being horrified at being a victim once and now fantasizing about it – but the past incident has nothing to do with the fantasy – and it in NO way means you enjoyed the assault – the two are not related; one is a fantasy the other a crime committed against you.
    I love chocolate ice cream, would like to attempt to eat a whole tub of it, but Im not going to enjoy someone hitting me with a tub of ice cream and trying to shove it into me against my will.

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